5 Ways to Not Get Laid
The pursuit of happiness is an endless quest of satiating various needs. To ensure your incompleteness as a human being, we urge you to give up sex. If this proves too difficult, we’ve painstakingly assembled a guide to not getting it on.
1. Weeding Alone: It’s quietly pushed into the back of one’s mind, somewhere between the hemispheres of guilt and apathy, the thought that marijuana and abstinence were made for each other. Watching Eraser Head alone for the third time does not increase your odds of propagating the species.
2. Dress-Code: Girl thinks to herself, “Do I want to have sex with the guy wearing the sketchers, or the guy wearing Doc Martens?” She probably won’t fuck the basement boy, but the blatantly hip guy will do. Mental note to self: when trying not to get any, dress according to comfort and function. Clothing materials will be selected on a basis of softness, ease of undressing, etc.… with absolutely no attention paid to context, like exclusively wearing blankets and robes during the summertime.
3. Kiss of Death: When by some divine miracle you are able to reach first base with a girl, aggressively kiss her with your eyes open. If this leads to further bases, begin flaring your nostrils, and/or auto asphyxiate yourself. Warning: do not accidentally kill yourself.
4. Demeaning Patriarch: When all else fails to repel potential mates, just act like a misogynist. This tactic is not for the faint of heart, and should be deployed sparingly as this will make people hate you. It’s pretty basic: just make loud remarks about women’s bodies and how you think bi-sexuals are frauds. If your associates think this behavior is funny, consider selecting new friends.
5. Farting with Impunity: This tactic, like #4, is a belligerent way of conveying your desire to remain chaste. Since sex is one of the few instances in which we humans are brought to the startling awareness that a primal beast lays within us all, it can be argued that farting and shitting is the disdained aspect of our animal form. Well my friend, fart and shart with wild abandon. To ensure gassy mechanics, fuel your intestines with a steady diet of Chipotle burritos, hard-boiled eggs, and cheese wiz.
words by sam davenport & illustration by marc aquino-michaels
Spread from BADOG$ Zine, out now.
Expectations were fairly low going in to see Harmony Korine’s Spring Breakers. Aside from my greedy eyes feasting on the sight of Selena Gomez prancing around in a bikini with her crime committing cohort, I left the theater with a visceral feeling reminiscent of acid’s comedown. In place of a linear narrative, in which the storyline progresses from point A to point B, Korine chose the route of montages to convey his message; in doing so, the viewer was meant to feel the aspirations of its college-aged subjects, followed by the nostalgia of getting old.
Spring Breakers is smarter than it lets off. The film intentionally appears empty in its reflection of college youth chasing the dream of self-discovery through experimentation and adventure. Think Road Trip, Van Wilder, or Animal House, as Hollywood hallmarks of what the college experience should be like. Spring Breakers took the added step of portraying the dark side of college - the unnamed individuals trapped in the endless pursuit of fun, hence “spring break forever.”
While Spring Breakers has been dismissed by many for promoting misogyny and bro-dom, it seems the sex appeal was used to highlight the vapidness of youth culture. Having done the whole college thing, I can attest to the sentiments conjured throughout Spring Breakers of “experiencing life to the fullest.” The pitfalls of youthful over-indulgence can be observed in Philip K. Dick’s A Scanner Darkly: flower children naively partaking in drugs for self-discovery, only to find mental disturbance in psychosis.
Too much of a good thing will surely turn sour. As always, it’s best to take the middle path.
What might be the biggest news since the downsizing of Burton, Jason Dill and AVE have decided to leave Alien Workshop in a statement made on May 1st, 2013. The two vestiges of OG 90s skateboarding, Dill and AVE, have left AWS for warmer waters downstream. The lyrics to “Wild World” come to mind when reflecting on age old heroes.
But if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you have a lot of nice things to wear,
but then a lot of nice things turn bad out there.
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world
Static Apnea (B-98), Wayne Levin
Lost and Edited.
music - “lounge piano”- (http://babaar.bandcamp.com). Additional footage from Ross Ching, Roger Bagley, Ben Affleck, and Atiba Jefferson.
Summit, NJ. 2011.
Last I heard of Danny Renaud, he had drunkenly plummeted nine stories to the ground - what many had considered to be his swift departure from skateboarding forever; though sad, he would’ve left behind two amazing parts in Mosaic and Static III.
Despite all odds, he’s back like the plague of James Craig.
Let’s hope they put Tim O’connor put on next.
