5 Ways to Not Get Laid
The pursuit of happiness is an endless quest of satiating various needs. To ensure your incompleteness as a human being, we urge you to give up sex. If this proves too difficult, we’ve painstakingly assembled a guide to not getting it on.
1. Weeding Alone: It’s quietly pushed into the back of one’s mind, somewhere between the hemispheres of guilt and apathy, the thought that marijuana and abstinence were made for each other. Watching Eraser Head alone for the third time does not increase your odds of propagating the species.
2. Dress-Code: Girl thinks to herself, “Do I want to have sex with the guy wearing the sketchers, or the guy wearing Doc Martens?” She probably won’t fuck the basement boy, but the blatantly hip guy will do. Mental note to self: when trying not to get any, dress according to comfort and function. Clothing materials will be selected on a basis of softness, ease of undressing, etc.… with absolutely no attention paid to context, like exclusively wearing blankets and robes during the summertime.
3. Kiss of Death: When by some divine miracle you are able to reach first base with a girl, aggressively kiss her with your eyes open. If this leads to further bases, begin flaring your nostrils, and/or auto asphyxiate yourself. Warning: do not accidentally kill yourself.
4. Demeaning Patriarch: When all else fails to repel potential mates, just act like a misogynist. This tactic is not for the faint of heart, and should be deployed sparingly as this will make people hate you. It’s pretty basic: just make loud remarks about women’s bodies and how you think bi-sexuals are frauds. If your associates think this behavior is funny, consider selecting new friends.
5. Farting with Impunity: This tactic, like #4, is a belligerent way of conveying your desire to remain chaste. Since sex is one of the few instances in which we humans are brought to the startling awareness that a primal beast lays within us all, it can be argued that farting and shitting is the disdained aspect of our animal form. Well my friend, fart and shart with wild abandon. To ensure gassy mechanics, fuel your intestines with a steady diet of Chipotle burritos, hard-boiled eggs, and cheese wiz.
words by sam davenport & illustration by marc aquino-michaels